To my fellow outlaws, outcasts and misfits,
Thanks for watching the video! I know I spoke a lot about reading my stories through the emails, but I left out everybody who reads on the Substack app. However you experience this, THANK YOU! And to all the new folks - WELCOME!
If you want to read one of the my most popular stories (about the Southside Chicago Paddy’s Day parade) just click HERE!
If you already read “Elephants,” don’t worry, a new story drops next Sunday, but I love this story and wanted to make sure the new readers had access to it just like you.
So without further ado, away we go!
Benny didn’t speak until he was seven. Everybody thought something was wrong with him except his older brother Mike. Benny and Mike were a year apart. Although Benny was the youngest, he was pudgier and taller than Mike, who skinny and frail. Irish twins their grandmother called them. But even before Benny could talk, Benny and Mike spoke in looks. Sometimes brothers are like that.
When Benny finally did speak, his father didn’t much like what he had to say. That’s when the spankings started which quickly turned to beatings. It got to the point where Benny and Mike could tell by how the floorboards creaked how bad the beating would be.
One night Benny heard Mike getting it bad with the belt. Benny rammed the locked door open. Their father stopped mid-swing to see Benny standing there panting in his Winnie the Pooh pajamas, fists up ready to fight. Their father burst out laughing. Benny charged his father like pudgy little bowling ball and knocked their father to the floor. Inspired by his brother’s selfless courage, skinny Mike jumped on his father and started swinging. As they kicked and punched him, their father rolled back and forth on the floor laughing, shooting humid plumes of Old Style/Pall Mall breath into their faces.
That Sunday at church, Mike stared at Christ on the Cross. He nervously picked his scabby knuckles and prayed for Jesus to unhook himself, walk down the aisle, slide into their pew and kill their father. He also prayed for a new bike.
Later that night, Mike snuck over to Benny’s bed and told him what he prayed for. Benny thought about it for a moment then asked, “Can I ride the bike?”
“What bike?” Mike asked.
“The one Jesus is gonna get you,” Benny replied.
“If he comes through, yeah, you can ride it,” Mike said.
Benny thought for a moment again, then asked, “What about Mom?”
“What about her?”
“Is Jesus gonna kill her too?”
“You want Jesus to kill mom?” Mike asked.
“What do you think is gonna happen? Jesus is just gonna come in here and kill Dad and give you a bike and let mom live? She’s a witness. What happens when the cops come and find Dad dead and you with a new bike? Pretty easy to figure that one out.”
“I didn’t kill anybody. Jesus did.”
“Nobody is gonna believe you.”
“What do I do?” Mike asked panicked.
“You gotta ask Jesus to kill Mom or tell him the whole plan is off. Bike and all. Everything. Or I’m not gonna visit you in prison. I’ll take care of your new bike while you’re there, but I won’t go see you. It will hurt too much.”
Benny watched Mike go back over to his bed and kneel. He didn’t hear the prayer. He didn’t have to. Mike always did the right thing. Even if he started with the wrong thing.
Benny was shy, but he was brave and the world, starting with their father, tried to beat that bravery out of him.
Turns out Jesus didn’t kill their father (or mother) (or bring Mike a new Huffy.) But Mike wanted to hedge his bets, so he became an altar boy. A few months in, Benny knew something was up. When he asked Mike what was going on and Mike said nothing, Benny knew something was wrong for sure.
This was the first time Mike kept a secret from Benny.
So on a Saturday when Mike had to serve a funeral mass, Benny secretly followed his brother to church and hid in the closet in the sacristy.
When the organ boomed “You are near,” Benny knew mass was over and opened the closet door a smidge so he could see clearly. Father Abercrombie and Mike shuffled in. While Mike set the processional cross in its heavy steel bass, Father Abercrombie slipped off his robe, then his pants then pulled his crumply tightey whitey underpants down to his knees.
“Make this one quick, Michael. I have a baptism at 3.”
Father Abercrombie’s pale butt blocked Benny’s view but it looked like Mike was kneeling in front of Father while Father kept clinching his butt cheeks. After a couple minutes, Father Abercrombie pulled his pants up, took his wallet out and handed Mike a five-dollar bill.
“The bereaved wanted me to give you this. You did good today, Michael. Soup to nuts. You’re a good boy.”
“Thank you, Father,” Michael said as he took the money and left.
Benny watched Father plop down on the kneeler and sob, wiped his face and left. Benny waited a few moments to make sure the coast was clear then raced down Scoville Avenue and caught up with Mike.
“What was that?” Benny demanded.
“What was what?” Mike replied.
“What just happened at church?”
“I served a funeral.”
“I know. What happened after?”
Mike bowed his head in shame, “I was gonna tell you… he said as he leaned over, lifted his pant leg and pulled the bill out of his sock and showed it to Benny, “Got tipped five bucks. Was gonna surprise you at the arcade.”
Benny stared at his brother, not sure what to say or how to say it. He saw grown men change at the public pool showers. But he never saw a kid kneel in front of them while they did it. Maybe he was making a big deal out of nothing? Something inside Benny told him that didn't make much sense.
“I was in the closet in the sacristy. I saw.”
Mike’s face flushed red. He clinched his teeth and fists.
“Why would you do that?”
“I knew something was up, so I followed y...”
Before Benny could finish, Mike lunged forward and punched him. Benny fell to the ground. Mike jumped on him and kept throwing crooked punches as hard as he could. Benny never covered up. He saw the anger in Mike’s eyes so he kept his hands down so his brother could get it all out. Around thirty seconds later, Mike fell to ground next to Benny. They laid next to each other in silence until Benny stood up and reached out his hand down to Mike. Mike grabbed it and Benny pulled him to his feet. They went home to get Mike’s bike, the old one that was a “hand me down” from his cousin. Benny rode on the handlebars while Mike pedaled them all the way to Haunted Trails, 50 blocks from where they lived. They got five dollars in quarters and spent the rest of the afternoon playing Bubble Bobble, Q-Bert and Donkey Kong. By the time they got home it was way past when the streetlights went on. They thought they were gonna catch a beating but when they got home their mother and father were dancing in the living room to Frank Sinatra. Turns out their father won four tickets to the circus at work.
“Looks like our luck is turning around,” he said as he whirled their mother around. Nobody said anything about Benny’s two black eyes and broken nose. It was the first and last time Benny and Mike would ever fight.
The circus smelled like kettle corn and horse shit. People were yelling in every direction to come in this tent or that. But their father dragged them into the biggest tent so they could sit in the front row. They were two hours early. Nobody said a word until their mother ran her finger over Benny’s bruised bent nose and asked, “What happened to your face?”
“Went four rounds with Tyson,” Benny said jokingly.
His father backhanded Benny, opening up a scab under his nose causing it to bleed.
“Don’t be a smartass,” their father bellowed, then proudly held up the flyer and said, “Who's ready to see some elephants.”
Over the next two hours, the tent filled with folks from all over; rich folks sat next to poor ones, city kids with the country kids. The clowns came out first and got everybody laughing. It was only the second time they saw their father laugh. Mom laughed too then quickly covered her mouth and nervously looked around.
The lights went down and the Ring Master who stood front and center shouted, “And now, all the way from Africa, the King of the Jungle will try and protect his domain from a ferocious pack of pachyderms. The crowd gasped as a huge lion burst through two story high flowing red curtains.
Grizzled men cracked whips at the lion causing him to hiss and roar at the crowd. Everybody leaned back in terror. Everybody except Benny. Then red curtains on the other side opened of the ring opened and out stormed two giant elephants, each being led a single trainer pulling the elephants along by a long thin rope. The trainers tugged the ropes at the same time and the elephants went on their hind legs and let out howls. Once again, everybody leaned back. Everybody but Benny.
Mike turned and watched Benny’s face twist up in confusion, his almond brown eyes darting back and forth from the lion to the elephants then back to the lion, then cranking his neck to look back over the crowd. Mike watched Benny’s mind process something and then all of a sudden, Benny burst into tears and ran off. His parents were too enthralled with the show to notice, so Mike chased after him. He eventually found him under the bleachers where they could still see the show through the legs of the people sitting above.
“What the matter?” Mike asked.
“Why didn’t the lion eat us?”
“What are you talking about?”
“He’s the King of the Jungle Mike! He should be able to kill anybody whenever he wants. That’s why he’s the king. And if he can’t, the elephants should kill the lion… like an appetizer, like mozzarella sticks, then eat all the people in the crowd.”
“You want the animals to kill us?”
“I want them to be them, to be what they are. Why aren’t they what they’re supposed to be?”
“I don’t know. Maybe they were stolen as babies or something and raised around people and forgot what they are.”
“Forgot what they could do? No way. Look how big the elephants are. How can you forget you're an elephant?”
The next day Benny charged into the library and asked Ms. Shanahan, the gentle librarian, why the lions and elephants didn’t kill him. She said she is not one for giving away answers, half the fun is in the search, so she directed him toward the section that might have what he was looking for.
He found a book on the circus that explained how they trained the elephants. Benny read the whole chapter then raced home and burst into his room to find Mike on the bed.
"Rope!" Benny shouted.
"Shut the fuck up. I'm watching Jeopardy," their dad screamed from the living room.
"You wanna catch another beating from Dad? Why are you screaming about rope?" Mike asked with a whisper.
“When elephants are young and small they use a small rope to tie them to a pole in the ground. At first the baby elephant fights, but because it can’t break free, it eventually gives up. After that, no matter how big and strong it gets, it still believes it can’t break free from the rope.”
Mike excitedly joined in, “...and that’s how that little guy led around that big elephant at the circus?”
As Benny nodded his head “yes,” his eyes welled up with tears.
“Now what’s the matter?” Mike asked.
“Why doesn't anybody tell the elephants they can break the rope?”
From that day forward, Benny was never the same. He questioned everything his father said and was rewarded with slaps and hits. Every night Mike would sneak across the room to Benny’s bed and beg him to stop.
“Stop what?” Benny asked.
“Stop making Dad so angry. Just shut up. Don’t say anything.”
But Benny didn’t know how.
The more Benny rebelled the more Mike surrendered to the rules. Mike graduated high school with honors while Benny got kicked out his Junior year for bad grades and a bad attitude.
His mother bragged to all her friends that her son Mike was going to be the first one in their family to go to college; the University of Chicago no less.
The night before Mike was leaving for college, Benny snuck over to his bed like they were still kids and woke Mike up.
"What's going on Benny?" Mike asked, still half asleep.
"Don't let them get you, Mike," Benny said. By this time, Mike as used to Benny saying strange things. Their father beat the Benny Mike once knew out of him and a new person replaced the old Benny. The new person said and did weird things that Mike never understood. But even through all the new weirdness and quirks, Mike knew one thing for sure - Benny loved Mike more than anything.
Right before Mike left the next morning, their father started in on Mike with the oldie but goodies, "You think you're better than everybody? You think your life is gonna work out? You're gonna be crawling right back here after those liberal fucks smell the poor on you and send you packing right back here." But Benny wasn't having it. He got between Mike and their father and that set his father off. While the father beat Benny, Benny yelled out, "Get outta here Mike. And don't ever come back. I'll hold him back."
Mike ran out and never said goodbye.
The University of Chicago was hard. All the kids seemed to have it together or on the verge of breakdowns. No in between. The classes gave Mike throbbing head aches and each night there was at least four hours of reading. Every night Mike looked across his dorm room and hoped to see Benny in his bed, sliding his blankets down and making silly faces. Mike missed sitting in the middle of their room, in the square patch of moon on the floor, whispering and laughing about girls and all the things they were going to do together when they got older. The only time Mike called home was to talk to Benny and every time he called, his mother said Benny wasn’t home.
“Where is he?” Mike asked.
“Who knows with him. Want to talk to your father?”
Mike always said "no" then eventually hung up without answering. That was his answer.
Mike borrowed his R.A.’s car and drove all the way back home to Berwyn. He parked just past their house so he could see in, but they could not see him. His mom was in the kitchen with the neighbor and their father was in the garage. He could see the red cherry of his cigarette slowly moving up and down in the darkness.
Mike went to the convenience store on 26th and East to use the payphone to call home. His mother answered. He asked for Benny. She said he wasn’t home. He hung up and raced back to park in front and wait. Hours went by and still no Benny. He went back to the corner store and called again.
“Where’s Benny, Mom?” Mike asked.
“Mike, I think you need to get a new phone in your dorm room. It keeps going off.”
“Okay, Mom. I will. Where is Benny though? I gotta tell him something.”
“Tell me and I’ll tell him when he gets home.”
“When’s the last time he’s been home?” Mike asked.
“Not since the day you left. But when he comes home, I’ll remember to tell him what you’re about to tell me.”
“What?”
“I don’t know, Mike. You were going to tell me something to tell Benny, remember?”
“Mom, are you telling me Benny hasn’t been home since I left for college? That was almost three months ago.”
“Jesus, the time flies Mike. How are your grades? Do you know when you’re going to get them? I bet you’re doing really well.”
“MOM! Where the fuck is your son!”
“Don’t you dare talk to your mother like that,” their father screamed, eavesdropping from the other land line in the house, “I’ll knock your fucking teeth out next time I see you. Now apologize to your mother.”
“Where’s your son?” Mike shouted.
“I’m talking to him right now.”
“Your other son?” Mike said.
This time it was their father who hung up. There was a long painful pause then Mike asked, “Mom… where’s Benny?” Then a second click. She hung up too.
Mike drove around to all of their favorite hangout spots; The Rec where they swam every summer and played Spy Hunter, the Tastee Freeze, Gina’s Italian Ice, Captain Crows on Cermak where they used to buy smoke bombs and M-80s but Benny was nowhere to be found. Mike just turned 19 and Benny 18. They were too young to legally drink but Mike searched the bars anyway. Nothing. He called around to the police stations and hospitals, even the morgue, but nobody knew where Benny was. Mike wanted to stay out all night and look for his brother, but he had to get his R.A.’s car back.
The R.A. yelled at him for having the car so long and said he’d never lend it to him again. Mike was too tired to tell him what was going on, so he went to his room.
Every day Mike called home and every day his parents lied about Benny.
Then life happened.
Mike borrowed more money than his father ever made to get a piece of paper that somehow unlocked a life Mike never thought he'd have or deserve. The deserve part he kept to himself, at his new job as a junior partner at a financial firm downtown, and with the fiancé he met his first year working there.
They bought a loft in Printers Row, where Benny and Mike used to buy shitty weed as teenagers, which had now gentrified with people who used to intimidate Mike, but were now his neighbors.
One night, after a fourteen hour day, while his fiance was getting ready for bed, Mike looked out the window, and there, across the street, standing behind a green dented dumpster, looking right up at him, was Benny.
Mike flung open the window and shouted, “Don’t move! Don’t you dare move!”
"Why are you shouting," his fiance yelled from the shower, "Where am I going to go? I'm soaking wet and naked.""
"Not you," Mike shouted back as he grabbed his coat, "Be right back."
Mike sprinted out the door, jumped over the banister and ran down the flight of stairs in one full sweep. He burst through the front door and sprinted across the street right up to his brother and wrapped him in his arms, lifting him up off the ground and spinning him around.
“Where the fuck you been! It's been six years!!!”
He could feel Benny’s bones. His once pudgy brother was now frail and smelled like urine. His skin was yellow and pockmarked, his hair natty and clumpy.
Mike broke the hug and held his brother by his shoulders at arm’s length, taking him in.
“Are you okay, Benny?"
Benny didn’t answer. He just looked at his brother and smiled.
“Benny, are you high? You on drugs?”
“No drugs. Drugs are for losers. Just say "no."”
Mike laughed. So did Benny. Mike hugged him again and Benny hugged him back, long and tight.
“Come on, let’s go inside. I got a loft across the street."
"I know." Benny said.
"What do you mean, you know?"
"Nobody else got to you Mike. Nobody."
"What are you talking about Benny?"
"Dad's dead." Benny said with a sigh.
"I know. Heart attack at the garage. How'd you find out?"
"Mom told me. She's dead too, 'ya know."
"I know," Mike said, noticing Benny was shivering.
"You’re freezing. When’s the last time you ate something?”
"I don’t know," Benny replied.
"Come on, let's get you something to eat inside."
Benny followed Mike across the street. Mike went through the front door to the loft and when he held the door for Benny, Benny stopped.
“Come on, man. Let’s go upstairs. You can meet my fiancé. She's cool. You'll like her.”
"Red headed lady. Pretty. Seems nice."
"Wait, how do you know she has red hair. Have you been following me?"
Benny proudly smiled and shook his head "yes."
"For how long?"
"Forever."
Mike's eyes teared up. He reached out his hand, for his brother to take, like he was drowning, and asked, “You coming up with me or not?”
Benny shook his head “no.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know. Just don’t want to.”
Benny turned and started to walk away.
“No! I spent the last six years worrying about you every day. You're not leaving. Where have you been staying?”
“Out there.” Benny said as he pointed across the street.
“Out there, where?”
"Right behind that dumpster over there," Benny answered.
Mike rushed across the street, Benny right behind. They arrived at the dumpster where Mike saw Benny’s old high school Jansport backpack, a tattered blanket and pillow.
“You been living here the whole time? Why didn’t you find me? I'm making money now. I'm doing alright,” Mike said through tears.
Mike grabbed his brother and shook him and through tears, said, “Why the fuck have you been living in the streets Benny? Why didn’t you come and get me!"
Benny reached into his pocket, pulled out a small piece of frayed rope and proudly held it out for Mike.
"What the hell is that?" Mike asked.
"Rope," Benny said through a huge grin.
"I know it's rope. What's it for?"
"Look," Benny said while he twirled the rope, "It's not tied to nothing. Totally free."
Mike's eyes swelled up at the memory of their childhood, the circus and...
"The elephants..."
Benny nodded "yes."
"You been following me this whole time?" Mike asked.
“I had to make sure you were okay.”
"No lions out here, Benny," Mike said.
"The world is the lion, Mike."
All Mike could do was hug him.
“Will you wait here until I get back?”
“Where else am I gonna go?”
Mike ran across the street and back up to the loft. His fiancé was out of the shower and waiting at the window.
"What were you doing with that homeless guy?"
"Don't worry about it," Mike replied.
"Who do you think you are talking to like that?"
Mike's back went up, like he’d been hit by lightning that knocked off a pair of glasses he’d been wearing for the last six years, but now everything was fuzzy and out of focus, the money, his career, the loft and his fiancé.
Mike flung open the fridge, filled his arms with food and bolted out the door.
"Where are you going?" his fiancé shouted, "When will you be back?"
Every Friday at midnight the social services truck pulled up. Janice drove the truck, handed out the needles, blankets, soap, clothes and the food. That night, the line was small, so Janice slipped Mike an extra plate of food for Benny, who she always saw peeking out through the bushes.
“Hey Benny,” Janice shouted.
Benny never answered.
As Mike grabbed a couple sporks, Janice asked, “How come you and Benny never go into the shelter?”
“Benny won’t go indoors,” Mike answered.
“It’s been five years, Mike,” Janice said as she pointed to Benny in the bushes, “You told me you had a good job at a nice firm. A beautiful fiancé. Sounds like you could have had a real nice life. Your life doesn’t need to be like this. You can go anywhere. Do anything. Why don't you leave?"
Mike grabbed the plates of food and as he walked away from Janice, right before he disappeared into the bushes where Benny waited, he turned and said, "Because he's my brother."
Much Love,
Mick
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